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 Post subject: Jordan, Praetor's Path
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:13 am 
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Joined: Tue Mar 26, 2013 12:37 am
Posts: 6
This is a work in progress... slow progress... but after... damn year and a half I think I am into something finally.

If anyone wants to give it a look and edit I will be thankful, Azalin already took a swing to the first part.

Let me know what you think.
Wordcount 1,895.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 1:28 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2013 1:07 pm
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This is a really good read. Most of my edits are word choice issues. There were a few places where I couldn't quite follow what you were going for so feel free to toss those edits. I'd be happy to chat with you about the specific areas that I didn't understand.

If I remember right, English is your second language isn't it? The reason I ask is that many of the minor issues are very common for second language speakers.

Content, pacing, characterization, and all the really important parts of a good story are spot on. I'd really like to see more of this one.

Great stuff!


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 10:51 pm 
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Thanks Chado, I will check and take into account every word.
Yeap, English is my second language, and I am not as good as sometiemes I believe. Sometimes I even fall in the trap of thinking in spanish and translating the scene and that doesn't work.

I am already working in the next part and what will come after that. Thank you for your kind words :D


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:58 pm 
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Thanks chado I took all the changes and rewrote the partwhere the braided man catches her, below was one of your main concerns.

Quote:
A woman was in front of her, her arms around her. For a moment she thought she could see expression in her eyes, but it was a trick of the flickering shadows.


Originally I planned to have her look into the woman's eyes and see a vague recollection of expression, more like an illusion caused by the shadows of the fire or a half memory. But whe I wrote it and Azalin edited it, it lacked some logic and might confuse people so I took the most complex parts and just left as if she had mistaken seeing something in her eyes when they can't say anything already.

Well if anyone want to take another take on it, I will be thankful. I believe I will add the next part on the weekend.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 12:16 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2013 1:07 pm
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I'm looking forward to seeing the next portion. Glad I could help.


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